duminică, 6 decembrie 2009

I am not a guru

I don't know why, but for quite some time I have had this feeling that I must explain some things about me and my life to those people who mistakenly admire me. First of all, from my experience, admiration can sometimes be very close to hate: if the admired person turns out not to be flawless and, even worse, if you can't live up to your own expectations in respect of what you admire in that person, sooner or later admiration will surely turn to hate. Such is human nature. Some people want to change, but someone else should please do all the hard work, so they can only enjoy the good results. Well, it doesn't work that way.

When I was a child, I was always the leader, no matter with whom or what I played. It had nothing to do with an innate talent for leadership, but definitely with my obsession of being in control. Later on, I was always, again, the one with the initiatives, with the actions, I was always giving advice to somebody, I was always explaining to others what they should do so their lives can get better. I was always the optimistic one, the powerful and "electrifying" one (someone actually used this word to describe me). No wonder that my company was seeked by many.

Sometimes I felt like a guru. No arrogance here, because it cost me too much and I'd rather turn back time and do things differently. People looked up to me, which was of course flattering for the perfectionist that I am, but at the same time they kind of expected me to help solve their problems. And this masked the fact that nobody really liked me for who I was, but only for the impact I had in their lives.

However, since my life started to turn upside down when I broke up with my parents 5-6 years ago, the people who had "liked" me so much also began to disappear, one by one, from my life. Nota bene: I didn't do anything different than what I had done before, I just changed my life and showed others that IT IS POSSIBLE to shape your own destiny, IT IS POSSIBLE to respect yourself and live according to your inner truth. I even tried to help them do the same, tried to take them with me on my wave of changes ...

This time the reactions were different because it was a very deep change, one that destroyed all the foundations of my previous life and opened the way for something new, very different and scaringly true. This time, far from being an example (except for maybe 2-3 persons who had the courage to follow me at least theoretically on this road), most people got scared and shut down their communications systems completely, for fear I would continue to influence them the way I had until then. I can't say I haven't tried, but the doors to their hearts were shut and locked, so I couldn't get to them. The relationships died.

Then I met new people on my new road. People who didn't know me started to write me private messages (yes, on the DC forum), thanking me for being so courageous as to speak out the truth about abuse (especially sexual abuse) and abusive parents. People started telling me their life stories, disclosing their deepest secrets and the pain that they had been carrying in their hearts for so long and that sometimes not even their spouses knew about. At first I was shocked, then pleased, since it confirmed again and again what I was feeling, what I now already KNEW: that most of us have been abused in our childhood, whether we remember it or not.

Anyway, all those messages touched me, so I swallowed the bait and the barb only too willingly. I started - as always - writing back with empathy, consolation and advice. From most of them I only heard again when THEY had something to write about themselves. I even thought I made a few friends, who were writing more frequently (they will know who they are when they read this), but at a closer look (which I took much later) I had to realize that again, the main subject was always the other person, their pain, their problems... I almost never got any answer or even a short comment on what I wrote about me, about my pain, about my inner struggle.

Then came the forum slaughter when I started the fight to open the eyes of the parents who are poisoning their babies with these chemical time bombs called vaccines. Of all the persons who "admired" me so much, this time nobody had the guts to speak out for me, to take my side... so I stopped writing to most of the "friends" that I made through the forum when I realized that it had become a waste of time for everybody. Most of them understood and respected my silence.

A few months ago, however, I had to write one of these persons directly that I don't feel the need to communicate with her anymore. I finally allowed myself to acknowledge that I had never had the feeling of getting something back from such a one-way communication which she even called "friendship". She wrote "Since we cannot be friends anymore, I can only hope that somebody else will help you when you will be in need". Oh, let me guess, she would have helped me if I only accepted to continue to be "friends"???? HOW?? And why didn't this happen before??? Please... Oh yes, she was reading the topic on the forum where I was being slaughtered, I know it because at one time she intervened with a joke on the side of the jackass who had harassed me by inviting me with my son to the cemetery because I was refusing the vaccines. So why didn't she intervene then to stand up for me and my character, if I was her friend??

The mail went on with her manipulatively asking me not to regret having helped her... Excuse me?? I know that it was manipulation because at first I had the impulse of feeling guilty. Then I got a hold of me and realized that SHE was feeling guilty and she just projected this onto me, wanting me to feel guilty for "dropping" her. Of course I was very upset to go through all this, what with my love of harmony and all... But I didn't feel guilty anymore, which is a big progress for me, since my whole life I've been so easy to manipulate with feelings of guilt.

Conclusion: I am not a guru, no matter what other people think of me I don't really want to be admired, I don't really want to teach anybody how to live their lives. My struggle is only MY struggle, everything I feel, think, do and write relates only to my life and I don't have the energy anymore to be an example for anyone. Especially to those who admire me with the pressure of always wanting and expecting something from me. I don't know how to explain this better, but I guess everybody knows what I'm talking about. If you can't like me for who I am, then please leave me alone. Please.

* * * * *

I am very, very down today. Yesterday I cracked, really cracked. On Friday I cried at my hairdresser's, even though the afternoon had started nicely, we talked about nice, easy things... Then I told him about my November blues, my birthday, my father's visit this summer and then I remembered his words: "Do I get the permission to see David? It is only for him that I undertook this long journey"... then I started crying and could only say "What about me, father? What about me? You only have one child and that is me! What about me?"...

Then yesterday evening my best friend called me and I totally lost control, I started crying so badly and I just couldn't stop... I am at the end of my rope, I feel empty and lost and broken and... above all dead tired of everything. I am EXHAUSTED. I feel desperate and don't know where to turn or how to start solving my problems. I don't know how to be a good mother to David, to take care of my inner child and to be a good wife to Bogdan all at the same time. WHEN and how should I do this? Something went very very wrong along this way and I am scared that I won't be able to mend it and save everything, like I always managed until now. The irony of it all is that most parents who live like zombies seem to make it, while Bogdan and I are alive and conscious but our risk of losing everything seems much bigger!!

Anyway, I realize now once again, more bitter than ever, that besides Bogdan I don't have anyone at all that I can really count on. When I am desperate and in need, noone is there for me.

It's true, Mutti has been from time to time of help until now, but because of her husband and the way she is always defending him when he harasses and bullies us, we feel that the price we pay for her small favours of going out with David 2-3 times a week is too big, so we decided to give up asking her. Yesterday she tried to mitigate on behalf of her monster of a husband and I told her to give it up, because she does not really know Bogdan and if he gets really angry, her prick of a husband may be sorry one day. OK, maybe it was a stupid thing to say, but I was very angry and I just wanted her to leave. I was angry because her stupid fuck of a husband cancelled his contract with the cable company and he gave us a shitty receiver with which we can't record anything anymore - I was so pissed yesterday that this asshole found again a way of bullying us... Her answer surprised me: "Oh, I know the other side of Bogdan as well, once I had forgotten my keys and rang your doorbell, then he came out and opened the door and he looked at me with such a look as if he wanted to kill me" ... My comment: "Did this accidentally happen during David's nap?". Of course it had happened during David's nap, we are both like lions when someone disturbs David's nap... She went on telling me that she had felt very offended and she had even cried because of this incident! Incredible!! This woman has been living with the devil every day for 45 years but cries because of a look that an angry father gives her when she wakes his child... I told her that I find it really despicable of her to hold a grudge for something like this and to remind me of it under these circumstances and also that we think it may be best to never look back once we move out of here, to cut all contact with her as well.

We felt we had no choice with Mutti this time, even though it is so sad and hopeless and it breaks my heart to think of David growing up with no grandparents at all... it hurts so much... almost as much as it hurts this little girl that she never had and never will have loving parents...

We decided that we will start looking for a babysitter for David who should come to us and spend 1-2 hours a week playing with him in his room, so that Bogdan and I can have a little time for ourselves. Except David's sleep hours on the weekend (that we mostly use to eat and relax for an hour - always on standby because David sometimes wakes up and cries after 30'), Bogdan and I do not have one single minute just for ourselves. It has come so far that, for instance, watching "Desperate housewives" together (while Mutti was taking David for a walk in his stroller) has become quality time in our relationship. How pathetic is this?

* * * * *

Today I snapped. Mutti came this morning and I told her about our decision not to use her "favours" anymore because of the high price that we have to pay for them. She left, offended again. Bogdan was not home. I started cooking. I had the onions already sizzling in the pot and the meat ready and I still had to cut the potatoes, the carrots and the peppers, David started crying. He was like glue to my legs, I explained him that mommy was busy cooking, but he started crying louder and more insistent. Louder and louder... Bloody vicious circle... I turned on the radio and he got even louder. I was on the verge of losing my temper, so I didn't want to lose control and I took David out of the kitchen and closed the glass door, while explaining that mommy needs some more minutes to finish cooking. Inside I was boiling, I felt again caught in a trap with no way out. Of course David cried even louder, but at least I was alone in the kitchen and could hurry up with the fucking vegetables... I started singing very loud myself... Then I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't stand David's cries anymore so I took him to the bedroom, told him to play (yes, it is like this when you feel you are losing your mind!), turned the radio even louder and returned to the kitchen, where I released 4 or 5 primal screams of 10 seconds or longer, until I felt that my voice was gone. 5 minutes of agony later I took David out, he was crying inconsolably and held on to me as if his life depended on it. There is no way I could have felt guiltier. And I'm wondering: if I can feel so much guilt for an incident like this, how am I supposed not to go crazy with all that is still to come?

Today I hit rock bottom.

6 comentarii:

  1. Felicia, draga mea, nu-mi vine sa cred ceea ce ai scris in postarea asta! E doar o perioada mai grea, nu-ti pierde curajul! Gandeste-te la toate lucrurile bune pe care le ai astazi in viata ta, pe care ai luptat atat de mult sa le castigi! Restul nu mai are nici o importanta... Sunt convinsa ca esti o mama buna pentru David!!! Un om care are curajul sa se priveasca cu adevarat nu poate fi un parinte mai rau decat cei care se complac in a duce mai departe tot felul de „traditii” sinistre de familie. Esti obosita si ti se pare ca nu mai ai timp pentru tine niciodata... pentru Bogdan... Dar toate astea vor trece. Incearca sa te bucuri de ceea ce este bun in viata ta acum – ai un copil minunat! Il ai acum numai pentru tine, varsta asta va trece si nu va mai veni inapoi niciodata!

    Te-am citit pe forumul DC si am vrut demult sa-ti scriu sa-ti spun cat de mult m-ai ajutat in drumul meu catre vindecare, cat de multe lucruri am invatat de la tine... Inainte de a citi postarile tale cuvantul abuz nici nu exista pentru mine. Imi dadeam seama ca sunt altfel decat ceilalti dar nu stiam de ce si credeam ca asa voi fi mereu... Astazi sunt bine, mult mai bine, dupa o lupta de doi ani care acum sunt constienta ca va dura o viata. Dar acum sunt in stare sa-mi asum asta. Sunt convinsa ca ai ajutat multi oameni, fara sa stii, asa cum ai facut-o si cu mine. Si mi-a parut rau sa citesc ca au fost oameni care s-au bucurat de empatia ta si de mana de ajutor intinsa fara sa dea nimic in schimb. Si mi-a parut rau ca n-am avut curajul sa-ti scriu pana astazi si sa-ti multumesc pentru ceea ce ai facut pentru mine.

    Te rog, nu fii deprimata! Esti un om extraordinar de puternic! Ridica-te si mergi mai departe, asa cum ai facut-o mereu... Fii sufletul acestei familii minunate, pe care ati construit-o tu si sotul tau! Fii o mama minunata pentru David! Poti sa fii, stiu asta! Nu te indoi de tine! Daca nu ai putut invata lucrurile astea de la mama ta, spune-ti fericita ca poti sa scrii de la capat, pe o foaie alba de hartie, viitorul tau, asa cum il doresti! Si daca toate sfaturile acestea nu sunt de folos, primeste de la mine o imbratisare calda si aminteste-ti ca sunt aici, ca te citesc, ca ceea ce spui tu inseamna ceva pentru mine...

    Iti multumesc.


  2. Saruni, iti multumesc din suflet pentru cuvintele tale, care m-au facut sa plang minute in sir! Incredibil, cata caldura si empatie pot primi de la cineva pe care nici nu-l cunosc...
    Ma bucur din inima ca am putut sa te ajut cu postarile mele si ca si tu esti acum pe drumul cel bun. Asta imi da putere si speranta sa continui sa impartasesc din trairile si experientele mele. Si eu iti multumesc si iti doresc cat mai putina suferinta pe acest drum de lupta si de vindecare pe care cu siguranta ne vom afla o viata intreaga, dar care este singurul BUN!

  3. Si eu sunt dintre cei ajutati de tine sa inteleaga. Dupa "Desteptarea Evei" primita de la tine am inceput sa vad lumea printr-o alta pereche de ochelari. Te imbratisez si-ti multumesc din suflet.

    Felicia, draga mea, perioada aceasta epuizanta va trece. O spun din proprie experienta;nici eu nu am avut un copil din categoria mananca si doarme ca un inger. Dar cand vei incepe sa poti vorbi autentic cu copilul, cand el va incepe sa ceara clar si limpede ceea ce vrea, tu vei putea sa intelegi, sa raspunzi, sa procesezi, vei putea actiona intr-un fel sau altul si totul se va schimba. Acum este ca si cum ai calari langa calaretul invizibil ceea ce este innebunitor. Presupui ca are aia, pac remediezi, dar poate are aia, intoarcere pe calcaie, dar poate e ailalta... Caruselul nebunilor... Din fericire ce-a fost mai greu aproape a trecut. Ceea ce urmeaza este tot greu, dar de data aceasta gestionabil, rational, logic.

    Faza cu datul muzicii la maximum in timp ce urla copilul mi s-a intamplat si mie odata. Tot ca si tine m-am zvarcolit in ultimul hal. Dar cand am citit-o la tine mi s-a parut perfect logica si nu o mai vad ca pe o mare tragedie. Ai simtit ca nu mai poti si ai actionat primar, fara a face rau nimanui, pentru a te proteja. In acel moment TU erai cea care avea cea mai mare nevoie de ajutor. Ceea ce este complet iesit din raza vizuala a multor teorii educationale centrate pe copil - AP de pilda. Acolo ti se spune cum copilul este cel mai fragil lucru din lume si trebuie facut totul pentru protejarea lui. Nu gasesti nicaieri referiri la momentele in care alti membrii ai familiei (mama sau tatal) sunt in situatii mult mai fragile si au nevoie prioritara de atentie si ajutor. Pentru sustinaorii acestor teorii copilul nu poate trece sub nici o forma in plan secundar. Dar ceea ce le scapa lor din vedere este ca un copil nu poate fi fericit cu parinti dezechilibrati, epuizati si cu nervii la pamant. Sti instructiunile acelea din avion care-ti spun ca in cazul unui gol de aer sa-ti pui mai intai tu masca de oxigen si apoi sa o pui si copilului? Este multa intelepciune in indemnul acesta...

    P.S. Eu nu ma certam cu Muti in locul tau. Ma foloseam de ea ca de o unealta cand aveam nevoie. Si-i ziceam si lu' babuinu' de barba-su "Moartea caprioarei" daca ma calca pe nervi. Adica-i ziceam de cablu, de ce nu-mi convine... Ce-are baby sitting-ul nevestii cu faptul ca el nu se comporta OK? Daca nu-i convenea ceva venea ea si rupea pisica. Eu sunt manager si am 13 oameni la firma. Unii nu-mi plac deloc ca persoane dar sunt profesionisti buni. Nu ma lipsesc de ei pentru ca sunt mitocani. Ii manevrez cu grija ca sa-mi fac teaba pentru ca stiu ca este serviciu contra serviciu dupa care "pa, ura si la gara" fiecare la viata si la valorile lui. Sa n-o iei ca e o critica ci doar ca pe un alt punct de vedere. Imagineaza-ti ca suntem vecine pe o scara de bloc din Romanica si ca vi la mine suparata sa-mi spui ce-ai patit. Bem o cafea, ne enervam iar eu iti spun cele de mai sus... No?

  4. Ah, Alice draga, ce bine mi-a facut sa citesc si ce mi-ai scris tu, vecino ;-))) Deci tu imi promiti ca in curand il voi vedea si eu pe calaretul asta langa care calaresc in spume de 17 luni incoace, da?
    Da, si noi am ajuns la concluzia ca de acum incolo trebuie sa avem in primul rand grija de noi, desigur nu in detrimentul copilului, ci pentru refacerea echilibrului nostru interior si a unei relatii de cuplu sanatoase si armonioase, din care copilul va avea numai de castigat. Vorba ta, stai sa-mi pun eu masca si sa iau cateva guri de oxigen si apoi sa vezi ca mai calaresc vreo 1000 de kilometri cu dedicatie totala...
    Saru'mana mult de tot pentru tot ce mi-ai scris!! Te imbratisez si eu!

  5. Orice mama, oricat de buna(calma, rabdatoare, empatica, etc) ar fi, are cand si cand momente in care se simte enervata crunt de copilul ei, in care poate are fantazii ca-l arunca de perete, de exp. Si sunt normale si omenesti astfel de sentimente. Si e ok sa-ti dai voie sa ai cand si cand si astfel de sentimente.
    Legat de bunici: cand copilul meu era bebelus, la fel gandeam, ca la ce neamuri/bunici/verisori au, are, mai bine lipsa de ei. Dar copiilor cand cresc, le place sa stie ca au bunici, chiar au nevoie de ei, chiar daca acesti bunici nu prea stiu cum sa relationeze cu proprii nepoti. Si sunt 2 aspecte: nu zice nimeni sa-l lasi singur 2 opre la bunici. Stai cu el, poti sa intervii daca ceva nu-ti convine sau sa-l ajuti pe David sa inteleaga ca bunica/bunicul a reactionat sau zis ceva gresit la momentul respectiv, etc. Ei inca nu vad partea rea, nu inteleg ce e fals la o persoana ci isi iau ce e bun pt ei: sa zicem ca bunica le arata cum sa deseneze sau babal: sa coasa o soseata. Ei din toate maruntisurile astea culeg experienta, chiar daca ai prefera sa aibe parte de bunici care sa rada cu el, sa fie veseli, sa-i spuna poezii. Pentru David (si nu pt parintii tai, indiferent cu ce pretexte siropoase vin)merita sa incerci sa le faci cunostinta. Da-le o sansa si poate ca sa-ti demonstreze ca ei nu sunt asa de incapabili cum ai simtit tu pe pielea ta, demonstrativ se vor purta impecabil. POate vei avea surpriza asta. Ce conteaza ca nu o fac din adancul inimii, daca lui David ii merge bine si are de castigat/evoluat din asta? Al doilea aspect e ca distanta asta tinuta de tine sa fie mai mult pt protectia ta si cumva ajungi sa te identifici cu David si de aici sa crezi ca si el va simti fiecare lingusire sau minciuna din partea bunicilor. Dar cred ca va fi un fel de terapie si pt tine: vazand felul in care interactioneaza cu David, vei putea trage concluzii si asupra unor evenimente din copilaria ta - dar si asupra lor: e un fel de a doua sansa pt ei, sa repare ce au gresit la tine sau sa isi ceara intr-un fel mai indirect scuze fata de tine. Din experienta mea, unii bunici se straduiesc asa incet-incet sa fie mai buni...sau abia acum -cand au un nepot isi inteleg greselile.
    Nu stiu ce sentiment vei avea cand vei citi mesajul asta. Este doar o concluzionare din experienta mea. Daca nu e imposibil pt tine, eu zic ca merita sa experimentezi. Cred ca ar putea fi si o cale spre vindecare (macar partiala). Eventual cere si parerea terapeutei, ea stie probabil mai bine ce impact ar avea asa ceva asupra ta.
    Numai ganduri bune si impacare sufleteasca iti transmit!

    P.S. Copii pot devenii f maraiti sau hiperactivi si facnd numai trazanai (in functie de temperament) cand simt ca parintele e intr-o depresie. Cumva prin prostiile care le face sau prin plansul lui, vrea sa te aduca in prezent, sa-ti distraga atentia de la probleme.

  6. @Anonim: Multumesc pentru tot ce mi-ai scris. Am constatat ca David este cameleonic si preia efectiv si pune in act starile noastre sufletesti, deci aici avem un barometru excelent pentru a lucra LA NOI INSINE! Eu nu ma mai concentrez demult pe David cand il vad nelinistit sau marait si stiu ca are de-a face doar cu mine, ci imi reglez eu respiratia, incerc sa rezolv problema care ma framanta, sa ma linistesc eu... reactia lui este invariabil aceeasi: se linisteste si el imediat!

    Despre aspectele ref. la bunici: distanta tinuta de mine este EXCLUSIV pentru protectia mea (a fetitei neiubite din mine, care nu are voie sa-si faca iar iluzii si sa fie ranita), aici nu exista nici un compromis, deoarece orice compromis ar costa-o doar suferinta pe aceasta fetita, iar putinul pe care EVENTUAL sau POATE l-ar primi David de la bunici nu ar compensa nici 5% din toata suferinta asta.
    Crede-ma ca eu imi cunosc parintii mult prea bine si - departe de a-si recunoaste sau admite sau regreta cu adevarat greselile - daca le-as inlesni contactul cu David pentru ei asta ar fi ca un cec de absolutiune in alb din partea mea, ca o concesie majora pe care eu insa nu sunt dispusa s-o fac, deoarece pur si simplu ei nu o merita.

    De fapt eu nici nu am voie sa-l iau in considerare pe David ca si criteriu in toata aceasta situatie (asta mi-a confirmat-o si terapeuta), deoarece problemele exista doar intre mine si ai mei parinti, deci ele ar putea (if ever) sa fie clarificate DOAR intre mine si ei. Asta e ceea ce ei nici nu pricep, ca le este imposibil sa ajunga la mine prin copilul meu (manipulandu-ma ca sa ma impresioneze ca mama) si le este imposibil si sa ajunga la copilul meu prin mine (manipulandu-ma sa cred ca le-ar parea rau), asa ca ne aflam intr-o situatie cam de nerezolvat. Dealtfel in aceasta ecuatie oricum nu ar intra decat tata, el fiind singurul care mai incearca sa bata la o usa incuiata... mama e mult prea orgolioasa si probabil prea plina de ura la gandul ca nu m-a batut suficient cu papucii ca sa nu se ajunga aici si s-o fac de rusine la "familia ei" (asa s-a exprimat ea insasi cand am scos la iveala incestul din familia ei, ca "Felicia s-a luat de familia mea" - asta o spune o mama despre copilul ei????). In fine, sunt prea multe de spus, prea multe rani, ma obisnuiesc sa traiesc cu ele...