Many who expect to be saved in the eleventh hour die at ten-thirty.
Friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies.
Surprise your friends. Burn their houses down.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
I say no to drugs, they just don't listen.
Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before...
If you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.
By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty and the pig likes it.
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Politicians, like diapers, have to be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
The hardest think about skating is the ice.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot.
Relax, nobody will get ahead of you as long as they are kicking you in the seat of the pants.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I don't have the solution, but I admire the problem.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.
Getting what they deserve doesn't satisfy too many people.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
The easiest person to deceive is yourself.
Give some people an inch and they'll think they are rulers.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Statistics show every two minutes a statistic is created.
Men talk about killing time while time quietly kills them.
You live and learn. Or you don't live long enough.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Life is like a bird; when you least expect it, it craps in your face.
Natural laws have no pity.
Push to test... Release to detonate.
Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it. -Mark Twain
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite all efforts to teach them good manners.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice!
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you've got one?
Smile! It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, set it on fire.
The trouble with life is you're half way through it before you realize it's a do it yourself thing.
Art is a lie which makes you realize the truth. -Picasso
Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers. -Voltaire
Scientists say 1 out of 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good firm push.
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.